I’ve always been a subconscious planner. Far before any of the major, important decisions/experiences I’ve had in my life, the “idea” was always there, in some strange way, rolling around in my mind, whether or not I realized it.
This is how Spruce Lake came into my life: even as a camper, I remember feeling like when I was old enough, Spruce Lake would become a really important place to me and I would have a lot of formative experiences and meaningful relationships there. And a few years later, when I was old enough, Spruce Lake popped up for a few summers and I had my first exposure to what real community can be. It never surprised me.
Same with Messiah. It was just always there. The actual point when I made the decision to go wasn’t monumental or pivotal; it was the natural next step.
Thailand fell into my lap much the same way. I still get the question “why Thailand?” both last summer and this past semester. I don’t know why Thailand...it was just the place I needed to be, I guess, and it fell into my lap [twice] when I needed to be there. Unlike other people I know, I typically don’t go into experiences kicking and screaming, frustrated with God for sending me THERE against my will. It’s not so much that I’m always at peace with what God sends me or I have this remarkable ability to adjust to all my circumstances--quite the contrary-- but for whatever reason, things slip into my mind far earlier than I consciously realize and then I’m never surprised when they manifest into opportunities that I need to make decisions about. The way things go in my life -- at least this far -- is that the path unfolds and the opportunity arises, I pray for discernment to walk the right way and courage to follow through, and then I do, and it’s normally stretching and challenging and exactly what I need.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, as I’ve been having more time to think these days about possibilities and options I might have after I graduate next year. I knew I should be expecting the questions soon, but I suppose I wasn’t expecting them THIS soon. But people are asking. And what’s making me feel a little funny is that I don’t have any of those mysterious ideas floating around in my head that will pop up in a couple of months. The next step isn’t secretly forming in the back of my mind that will materialize as soon as I acknowledge it.
All I see is fuzz. What’s rolling around in my mind is fuzz. Lots of it. Lots of puzzle pieces, lots of ways I want my life to be, regardless of what I’m doing/where I’m going after I’m done with Messiah, but nothing specific. I’m hearing lots of different things from people, and there’s a real possibility that I will live with Katie and Elyse and some others in an intentional community of sorts in Philly, but it’s entirely possible that I won’t. I might do a stint with MCC, but then I might not. Perhaps I’ll do Discipleship Year or Mission Year or something, but maybe I’ll go overseas and plug into what God’s doing through a church or a nonprofit or something else. I don’t know. Not that I have seriously thought about any of these things yet, nor do I have to right now, but now that others are giving me questions and the answers aren’t obvious before me, I’m starting to wonder a little.
I think fuzz is good. It keeps me from planning too far in advance, because let’s be honest: God works outside of the frames I like to create and defies the expectations I set for Him, anyway, so why construct/set them?
Bring on the fuzz.
