hard(er) days

I know that I'm not alone when I say that these are hard days. Hard days for me, for my dear roommates, for a few people in my family at home, for a sister in thailand, for Burma, for the world in general, I guess. There just seems to be a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt and "tough stuff". Sometimes when I think about this, I'm able to run to the One who knows and understands all. Usually, instead of running, I find myself crawling into the arms of the One whose presence makes the rest of the world disappear. It's becoming a lot harder for me these days - partially because I can't hear myself think very clearly but mostly because I can't discern what God is trying to say to me over all the noise.

I feel like pain is so much more a part of my life these days. I am a feeler, no matter how much I try to think myself into and out of feelings. When I see another person "in it", I often put myself right there with them. While this allows me to empathize with and comfort others, it can get really consuming and overwhelming. And I'm at a point of feeling so exhausted from this. My eyes are being opened (wider and wider) to great sadnesses around me - in the stories of the women who seek help from Women Against Abuse, in death, in poverty, in numbness. I think that God gives us guidance and leads us, orchestrating events in our lives, even when we don't have eyes to see it. I'm just having a hard time seeing all the purpose in all of the pain before me. And the Christianese phrase "everything happens for a reason" isn't good enough. At least, not today.

In all fairness, tomorrow, the sun will be shining bright and I will be able to see once again that without these gray days, without these clouds, bummers, tears, frustrations, and rainy moments, I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate blue skies or the soft yellow glow the sun casts on everything in the morning. And things always look better in the morning.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him'." Lamentations 3:22-24