lessons, learned. (lessons, learning)

When I really think about everything that has happened in the last two months, when I step out of the reality of right now and look at life as I know it from a more objective, removed perspective, I am puzzled by what God has done, what God does.

For those interested, Thailand is right where I left it, on my heart, in my thoughts, sometimes ebbing in and out of dreams I have when I sleep, but is not in my day-to-day. I pray for a team to mobilize and go with Servants, the organization I have been journeying with for the last year or so, but the opportunity I have to go with this pending team is on the altar. I will continue to pray, whether or not God will invite me to be part of the team when the time comes.

What IS in my day-to-day is an eclectic community of beautiful people with varying mental capacities and illnesses, and it is a growing joy to be there with them. God's yes to PSH has turned into a blossoming gift. I don't deserve it, but it's beautiful and fragrant, and sometimes I get overwhelmed when I really think about how all these things came to be, how perfect the way is when I let it open on its own. PSH fits. The personal/spiritual side of ministry blends with the professional side of social services. The people make me laugh; upon occasion they make me cry. B sang a beautiful song about trusting Jesus during devotions. K picked me a couple sprigs of my favorite flower. J has a smile that stretches ear to ear, all day everyday. Things that happen there make me cry in other ways, too. Psychosis is awful, mental illness is a terrible thing, and I can only walk so far with my new friends in their darknesses. I pray with and for them, I try to put aside the to-do list to really hear the pain out of which they are speaking. I can be frustrated and impatient, too, and God is quicker to convict me of selfish feelings or unfair expectations for others. Plato's challenge rings truer in different ways each day - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I seek to draw on God's grace for the energy, love, joy, and grace itself that's required for each day. I fall short, and I fall hard. But sometimes there is just enough of everything, and I see God's directing hand everywhere. Jesus hangs out at PSH.

I am learning about tough love; God only knows how much I have had to unlearn about "love". Tough love for my residents, tough love for my friends. I am learning about the goodness and terribleness of honesty. More than these, I am learning about the good and terrible importance of honesty.

I am learning about letting things die that need to. Things have died, things are dying (including, very sadly, so many seedlings! To a farmer's market soon!)

I am learning how to not take myself so seriously.

I am learning how to play the recorder so that when we gather for common prayer, we can at least figure out the tune of the song we are singing.

I am learning why it is so good to have people who know you from other times in your life. I am learning why it is so good to delegate tasks in the kitchen. I am learning how to delegate. I am learning how to let someone else do the dishes and cook the meal -- and also to eat and enjoy it! I am learning how to read novels and not just spiritual books. I am learning how to do nothing. I am learning how to get what I need, and not feel guilty.