decisions

Each decision we make is a single "yes" and about a thousand "no's" to all the other things.

I had a few minutes earlier this week when I remembered many things that could have happened, that weren't meant to be, that could have changed everything-- but didn't. I remembered these things specifically during a small window of time -- post-college, pre-Habitat.

I was really only planning to be in Harrisburg for a few months after college; I was going to move onto bigger and better things -- I thought I was going to be in either Cambodia or India with MCC's SALT Program for a year, but they didn't fit. I remember waking up one morning, as I was nearing the time to make a decision about this, and felt an overwhelming sense that this was not what God had for me. God's peace wasn't there.

My focus changed to MVS programs all over the US, and I almost was a Big Brother Big Sister case manager in Indiana. But as I talked with my would-be supervisor, I realized that I did not feel led to go to Indiana. When I was offered a position in North Dakota, doing a similar work, I had the same feeling.

Then I threw myself into applying for Americorps jobs. And when I was on a roadtrip with Katie and we camped and my phone shut down and I missed the call from a refugee resettlement agency in Eerie, PA that wanted me to work with moms and children in the community, I remember sitting on the sidewalk outside a used bookstore in Namelesstown, GA, bawling. This was, what I thought, the closest thing to a dream job I could muster up in my imagination, and I chose to go camping and passively passed up this opportunity (or maybe that this opportunity passed up me).

When I returned to Harrisburg, after some pivotal conversations at Koinonia Farm and Jubilee with other wanderers and people trying to live faithfully and obey Jesus, I thought I would give Harrisburg a legitimate try. Soon after I stayed in Allison Hill and realized that learning to be a good neighbor was going to take many more months (and years!) than the few I had committed to, I decided that maybe I should look into longer-term work in Harrisburg and continue growing there and stay put for a while.

That's when I almost decided to work for Salvation Army (in the development office, which would have been the worst fit, now that I look back on it). But the day before I was going to call my would-be boss and accept the position, I woke in the middle of night with my mind racing with all the reasons why I was going to quit my job there. Although the dream was vague and, well, a dream, the feeling that came from that dream was clear: don't work there; there's something else. In that very moment, it was that feeling that led me to sign onto Craigslist and see the Habitat position posted. And, at four o'clock in the morning, when I am clearest in my mind, I decided to submit an application on Habitat's website. There were a few more steps after this, but within two months, I was working at Habitat in Harrisburg.

I am getting better at decisions. I am getting better at understanding that each decision that we make, although it involves much thinking and prayer for some of us, is really just a decision -- with a ripple effect that far exceeds any kind of ability we might have to predict what's to come. Yes, it means saying no to a thousand (or more!) opportunities elsewhere, doing other things, becoming other people, loving other people, but those of us who seek to love Jesus in our lives also seek to make decisions that honor God, to take active steps toward what God desires for us. I could have been a thousand different people, doing a thousand different things, but I'm not. By God's grace, through one of my "yes's" and one of God's "go-ahead's", I am growing into the person God calls me to be, given the circumstances I find myself in ... someone who loves the troubled neighborhood she lives in, loves her wonderful neighbors, has some faith, has some doubts, has a community with which she can grow in faith and air out her doubts, someone who is delighted by the way the sun casts a warm glow on her room in the morning and gives thanks for the things that grow in her backyard, shared meals and shared living, and awareness of God's goodness in the presence and care of the two sisters she prays with each morning.

Some of these things were decided, some of them just happened. How much did I decide; how much were things already decided for me? What of the will of God, anyway -- and vocation, and God's call? I'm not thinking philosophically or trying to dissect this theologically -- just grateful, just present, just glad something was decided, both then and now. Just glad for the faithfulness of God.