God's abundance

I am still looking for work. There have been way too many interviews and way too many almost-but-not-quites.

When I was in Vancouver in October, I had the very real sense that I was not supposed to work for a while, because of several things I needed to iron out (even though, at the time, I didn't know what the things were). I thought that this was perfect, given that I was about to embark on a thirty-day train trip, and then I was going to be with my parents in NJ for the holidays. That was two full months of no work. But now that I am back in Harrisburg, and ready to go and jump in again, I am noticing that my time of no-work continues.

Earlier this week, I started to get frustrated and, generally, tired of waiting (waiting for a job, waiting for a reason to stay in Harrisburg, waiting on this increasingly complicated journey back to Thailand). There was little joy and purpose in waiting. It was easier to see the lack in my wallet and the lack in me. Then it was easier to feel ungrateful and start to let in the lies that I am wasting my potential and I am inadequate for all jobs and I have failed for not having thought through all the details and come out with a plan before now.

Midweek, after a series of aha moments, I realized that when Jesus says "Do not worry", he was reminding us again that God has control over everything. I have nothing to worry about. In the same way, there is nothing to grumble about. God knows that I need a job, and my grumbling about it isn't going to change what God knows and what God will provide. I don't live in scarcity; I live in God's abundance under a theology of enough. There is enough now and there will be enough. To worry or grumble undermines my faith in a God who really can do anything, and an all-loving God who cares deeply and whose provision is perfect. It is becoming easier to consider the lilies and trust the "much more" of God.

My time for work is not yet, and I don't want to look back on these days of no-work and remember them as days of grumble grumble. These are life-giving days, where I can focus more fully on the things that anchor and center me, and give me so much time to love and serve and fill in the gaps. Time, just like money, is not my own - a resource given to me to be used for kingdom purposes, to love and serve and fill in the gaps as God wills and prompts me.

And so, I will have all the play-dates I want with my favorite kids. I will prepare the dough and wait with expectancy for it to rise before I bake it. I will have potlucks and birthday parties with my Burmese friends. I will make elaborate cards. I will write to people. I will mend things. I will mop the floor. I will take walks around the neighborhood. I will pray for peace. I will pray. I will make large pots of stew. I will sit in silence. I will drink tea. I will get involved with Heeding God's Call and a new women's ministry and a new spiritual direction group. I will skype with my friends in Zambia, India, and Thailand. I will drive people places. I will go to my friends' art shows. I will wake up early and go to bed tired. Abundance.

Perhaps God will grant me work soon, and a job can anchor my time, but whether I am working or not working, my time is God's, and God is good to give me so much of it!