a letter to you

dear world (but really the small number of people in my world who read this),

it is important for you to know something about me: i have a large capacity to care for people. it is something i noticed as a little girl in grade school when i attached myself to every ESL/friendless/smelly kid in my class. i always want to help and care for people - to a fault. this capacity is a gift from God, lest you should think i am ungrateful for it. it has led me to wonderful opportunities to love others deeply and wonderful relationships. it has led me to nearly all of the dreams i have in life, and the small sense of vocation God has given me. it can be good and helpful, but when it is unleashed and un-surrendered, it is a mess. let me explain.

you see, this very large capacity to care for people is a good thing; i count it a blessing, a beautiful privilege i have been given to give a little something (from Jesus, because of Jesus, for Jesus) to the world. sadly, this gift to me has become slippery and misleading. instead of letting it point others to Jesus and the One who gives gifts, i have allowed this capacity to control me. i have allowed it to take on its own life, separating me from the free life i have in Jesus. this capacity allows me to care deeply about all the refugees everywhere - which has led to severe burn-out (little joy in serving my refugee sisters and brothers). this capacity allows me to get angry about injustice and raise awareness about the good things that are happening all around us - which has made me feel disconnected and restless. this capacity allows me to jump on board and commit to every single thing that makes its way into my heart - which has led to overcommitment and a divided heart that cannot stay single-minded of purpose. this capacity allows me to cry over the great crises in our world today - which, coupled with the great crises in the lives of people in my small harrisburg/wherever-world, overwhelms me and makes me feel responsible and guilty and helpless (which does not lend to trust). this capacity allows me to fall deeply in love with sisters and brothers - which has led to unfair expectations for myself and others and sometimes sadness and heart-confusion. as soon as something or someone enters my circle of care, my heart feels like a bottomless pit and sometimes leads me to idolatrous relationships. i have had a scandalous affair with social justice and service for the last few years because of this capacity, which has left me feeling divorced from myself and from the One who created me with it.

there have been times throughout my life when the charge to seek first God's kingdom has stuck, when living out of the Divine Center has made sense, when surrendering even the "good" things in life that are pursued with my "good" intentions can happen, but these times are short. they are when i feel like i am the free woman Jesus has named me -- nothing more, nothing less -- and they are few and far between. i have noticed that my overcommitted, busy, divided heart keeps pumping, keeps dividing, keeps creating problems. and so. for the last four months or so, i have started to finally name this dysfunction and there has been some discovery and some healing. (and i am aware that this is going to be discovery and healing for the rest of my life.) the chains are falling and there is some change. there is some hope for this busy do-er/care-er yet. i confess these things to you because i am ready for your voices of truth to speak into this, too. if you see me trying to be a superhero from now on, please tell me to stop. i am taking a break from everything that used to feed this, and i need some reminders from you.

please forgive me, too, for allowing your problems to sometimes crush and paralyze me, for letting my compulsion to care for you get in the way of caring for you, for being so wrapped up in "doing" that i haven't made time to "just be" with you in a while. forgive me for caring from my own capacity, and in so doing, not caring out of Jesus' love, with Jesus' love - for failing to let God fill my cup before trying to scrape from it to give to you.

i love you. not because i am who i am or because you are who you are, but because of the One who is Love. please stop me if i try to love you because of anything else.

LOVE,
desiree